This is longer than I intended, and shorter than my original attempt. It's been marinating in my head for nearly a week and I just needed to get it out. Grab a cuppa and sit if you have time.
Last week was the anniversary of the first time I was married. A marriage that lasted longer than it should have and as long as it needed to. My ex was my first boyfriend. There were signs of his manipulation from the start~ how I should think, how I should feel, how I should want what he wanted if I really loved him. I was 2 years younger, and we were on-off while I was in school. I dated others, some for a weekend, some for months. I became pregnant at 19, not my ex's, and I declined the marriage proposal of the bio-dad (we were best friends in high school onward and I knew we could never be faithful to each other in marriage). Ex came back into the picture after my son was born, and professed his love for me. Ex was the one I usually came back 'round to. So I said yes when he proposed. In the months leading to the small wedding, we wrote to each other, talked on the phone, I didn't pay attention to the signs of his control. "If you really loved me, you would want what I want" "I'm old fashioned. After we get married, you need to stay home and take care of the house and kids" "You'll need to learn to cook" I wasn't comfortable with everything he suggested, and when I expressed that, he would reassure me that of course he understood. He was just saying how HE felt about marriage. We could compromise. I didn't know that compromise was me giving in.
I still have letters he wrote me when he was out at sea (Navy). In those first few months of marriage, he would sometimes be out for a week or two. And there would be apologies for getting mad and yelling at me when he was home. But I had to understand why, and if I didn't say or do what I'd said or done, he wouldn't have gotten upset. If I really loved him, I would try to see it his way.
I didn't know I was letting him manipulate me. He would brag about me to all his buddies. He would invite them home for dinner. He would entertain them while I cooked and cleaned up. When we would all go out somewhere, it was up to me to either keep my son happy or find a neighbor to babysit. My son was attached to my hip. When the bio-dad contacted my parents to send along a letter to me to ask if we could at least be friends, I knew how ex would take it. I wrote back to bio-dad and said it wouldn't be possible. And since there was no father listed on the birth certificate, ex wanted to legally adopt my son. So he did.
During that first 8 months of marriage, there were signs of his control. Who I should be friends with (although I am still close friends with one of the ladies from that time), what I should read, what we would do with our free time. We bought a 'see what your IQ is' book once, and took the test. When the first results showed my IQ significantly higher than his, he insisted we try again. When the next result showed me even higher, he declared it wasn't an accurate test and it meant nothing. I didn't know this was a form of abuse.
When ex found out the aircraft carrier was due for the six month cruise, he 'suggested' I move home to my parents and spend 3 months there, and 3 months with his parents. We lived in a very sketchy neighborhood, so it was a safe suggestion. While at my parents, I had some dental work done, and he said it didn't matter the cost. Later when he asked why I didn't save much money while he was away, he was upset that I spent so much on my dental care. I couldn't win. Even when I showed him the breakdown of money~ rent to our parents, dental care, pediatric copays, food~ I should have done more, and now we wouldn't be able to find a really nice place to live, it was my fault.
When my younger brother had a swimming accident and was on life support, we drove 14 hours home to be there for my family. I was emotional, as expected, and ex's haphazard driving habits had me on edge. When I asked him to please slow down, I was yelled at. At the hospital, ex turned into this supportive, caring person, until we were alone and he decided I needed to lighten up. Ex could only get a set amount of time for emergency leave, so we were there when my brother was taken off support and died, we went to the visitation, and had to leave before the funeral. Ex did not want me to stay for that because he didn't know when he could make the trip back to get me.
After our daughter was born, just before our 2nd anniversary, he was sure I had postpartum depression, and insisted I get out of bed and cook and clean. I was tired and needed sleep. He decided I slept too much. I held the kids too much. I didn't let them cry it out. I should breastfeed on a schedule, which was never going to happen.
After we moved when ex got his shore duty papers (my dad was in the Navy; I was used to moving around), he decided it was time to get his college degree, since he quit college before joining the Navy. He would have me edit his assignments, which I often had to rework entirely. He was on shift work and usually came home drunk or smelling of alcohol. He bragged at his grades, even the high marks on ones I rewrote, no credit to me. He would volunteer our home for parties, and when his friends offered to help, would tell them I didn't need help, that I loved doing the work (I did not). Bringing their kids was fine, Kei will watch them.
When I got pregnant again, how did I let that happen? We had discussed it and he wasn't ready for more. I never directly correlated how late he stayed out and came home drunk ("Well, Mike was driving and I couldn't tell him we needed to leave hours ago") or smelling like alcohol ("Mike wanted to stop at the bar and since I was driving, I told him we could stop for a couple") with my being pregnant when 'he' wasn't ready. My 3rd child was not as easy a baby as the other 2. Steve was happiest when I sat in the rocking chair late at night, watching VH1 and having me sing to him. He would sleep soundly that way, until I set him down in the crib. And ex did not want all that wailing while ex was trying to sleep... or study... or read. Unless we had someone over, and he turned into attentive dad.
When ex got out of the Navy, we lived with his parents. I loved his parents. I'd known them since I was 9. We had a great relationship, and my mother-in-law confided in me things my ex never knew. So living with them again was no problem. Ex was looking for work, so I got a job to tide us over. It was fun. Fast food, fast paced, new friends. Ex got a job and we moved. Settled into the town that I still live in. He had always told me that once he got out of the Navy and had a good job, we should have another child. And so we did. I was on modified bed rest towards the end of the pregnancy. No stairs, no lifting anything. Yet the washer was in the basement and he needed clean clothes. The older kids tried to help out, but the stairs while carrying the basket was not always a good combination. And he needed clean clothes, so ex felt that if I was resting most of the day, I should be able to handle the clothes.
As the kids grew, and the oldest became involved with the Boy Scouts, ex decided to get involved and be headmaster. He would write elaborate speeches with big words for meetings. He would send me on errands to pick up badges. The first time he sent me, he gave me the wrong directions. I ended up on the side of the road in tears. This was before gps and cell phones. I finally figured out how to get to where I needed to be. Later, he said he couldn't understand why I was so upset. And he would send me on other errands to places I'd never been, knowing that one of my biggest anxieties was a fear of getting lost.
I became more withdrawn and anxious. Depressed, suicidal. Ex always told me to suck it up and get over it. I should be happy with my great life. We argued. A lot. He would talk about women from work. I would find magazines under the bath mat. We had one bathroom and 4 kids. They didn't need Playboy magazines that young. He tucked magazines under the mattress. They were no playboy. They weren't even Hustler. They were magazines that degraded women. I have no idea where he got them. They weren't even light s&m. And when I asked him, he told me to get over it. He knew I wasn't happy. And he said I would never divorce him; that I promised "Until Death do us part". So in my anxiety filled, depressed mind, I thought the only way out was death, and I sunk further into that pit. And when, during an argument, the idea of getting away from him by suicide slipped out, he realized I was serious.
Under the guise of couples counseling, we met with a therapist, who said I needed treatment. In a hospital. In a hospital psychiatric unit. I don't think ex was expecting to hear that. He thought I would just get prescribed some happy pills, like his sister, and no one would ever have to know. Hospital. Who would watch the kids? How could he explain this to people? HOW WOULD IT MAKE HIM LOOK TO OTHER PEOPLE? He actually said that to me. So *I* had to ask my parents to come and help, so he could still go to work and act like everything was normal. My mom came down, and I went to the hospital. Depression, the psychiatrist diagnosed. And Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which apparently, I had since I was a child). They put me on anti-depressants. When they tried to suddenly increase the dose overnight, I refused, the first sign that Kei was still in there. I have a sensitive reaction to meds. I don't require as much as many people. So they complied and kept me on a low dose. I rediscovered my love of art in art therapy. I learned to meditate. I felt safe. I met with a therapist and answered all questions until he asked about my marriage. Nothing's wrong there, I said, and tried to change topics. He tried to come back around to it. Nope, it's fine. "'Fine' is a 4 letter word," he said, "And every time I bring up your marriage and your husband, your demeanor changes. It's anything but fine. Your kids are great, being a mother is wonderful, and your marriage is 'fine'."
I spent 2 weeks there, getting stabilized on an anti-depressant, getting used to therapy. When I was discharged, I continued therapy, the med, and my art. Yet ex was not happy that I was no longer compliant. I signed up for a college class in the fall, because we had always talked about me getting some degree or other. Intro to Psych seemed a good choice. He promised he would be able to 'babysit' the kids while I took a night class. He was changing jobs, and would not have shift work so he could do it. The first couple of night worked great. He was home, I had fixed supper, and off I went. Within weeks, it was an inconvenience. On a night when I had a test, he told me he would pick the kids up at the college. He was late. Luckily, my professor was nice and let me come in late. The next week, ex said to see if the neighbor could watch the kids and he'd pick them up on his way home. That worked, for a week or so, until I started having to pick them up because he was running late.
I didn't know he was sabotaging me.
And so it was. I only did 2 classes that year. My ex's job was only an hour away, yet he was leaving early, coming home late, if at all. When I would call the office late at night, no answer. The next time I'd talk to him, he'd say he was in the back with the machines and couldn't hear it ring. He slept on the couch in his office. When he was home and things would turn into an argument, he would smack me. He said it didn't count. It was open handed. If only I didn't say the wrong thing, he wouldn't have to smack sense into me. I didn't realize it was abuse.
I once got a call from a video store near where he worked. The movie he rented hadn't been returned yet. It was a romantic comedy. I asked him about it. Oh, he and some others went to cheer up one of the workers. She wasn't feeling well, her husband was a drug user and had left her, and she was HIV positive, so he was trying to be supportive. With a romantic comedy. It was after that when I struck up a friendship with a guy, and he came up to help out with yard work, play with the kids. We were friends. I was open about it with ex, and said if he heard a rumor (a friend said people were talking), it wasn't true. Because nothing was going on. Ex said if I heard a rumor about him and this worker, it wasn't true. He worked an hour away at a town I never went to and knew no one he worked with. The likelihood I would hear a rumor about him was nil. And from there, things went totally fubar. Friend and I ended up being more, but then decided to just be friends. Ex decided to actually be home at a decent time... after the kids went to bed.
We tried marriage counseling, and after months, the counselor recommended that a trial separation might be best. Ex was livid and stormed out. We had been sleeping apart, and that continued. And then came the shorted paychecks from ex's job. A month before Christmas. Not a little shorted. More than $3,000 over the course of the month. Why? Because, according to ex, he was repaying the company for the phone bill his coworker buddy ran up for the 1-900- number sex lines at work. His buddy who hadn't worked for the company for several months. And when I asked him about all those times our phone bill had escalated during the times I was away with the kids, visiting my parents. He used to tell me he was watching tv one night and a number came up to 'call the space station and listen to the astronauts', so he was. I was so naive during those times because I believed him. But who pays over 3 grand to cover for a buddy who hadn't been there in 6 months? Months later, after ex lost that job, I got a job to pay the bills. Perfect job~ a short walk from my house, sorta flexible hours, and I was helping a friend out. When ex got a new job, he told me to quit the job. He tried manipulating me again. It didn't work. And a year later, I went to a Wholesale Gift Show for the company.
I didn't know how abusive my first marriage was (even when open handed smacks became hidden bruises) until I truly found me again. So when I say that my 1st marriage was over long before Robert & I met, these are the reasons why, even though I didn't even cover how ex treated the kids. Maybe another time.
Login with a social network