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Blanket Ninjas

  • You know I hear people complaining about their significant others stealing their blankets when they’re in bed and I’m like what’s the problem? Stop, drop, and roll bitches. Just grab the blanket and kick them off the bed. They’re grown, and they won’t know what happened. The problem is you can’t do that when your child is the one stealing your comfort. That would be child abuse. Children are pint-sized, pain-provoking, blanket ninjas!They can encapsulate their entire body in your blanket like a cocoon then yield it as a weapon. I’m over here dodging elbows, catching right hooks, and getting kicked in the ribs... being roughed up by a sleeping rugrat. When I orchestrated a knock down, drag out fight with the invisible monster under your bed, I wasn’t aware you trying to audit a class in Taking Down Your Parent 101. I’m starting to think they are playing possum. Like yea remember when I dropped my sucker at the playground and you threw it in the trash? Vengeance is mine!! Look here, for nine months I carried you, while you used my bladder as a trampoline and my uterus as a battleground. But the moment you exited the arena, Mama clocked out as your punching bag. You seem to forget I got you some chicken nuggets at the drive thru even though I knew you wouldn’t eat dinner if I did. But nooo you don’t appreciate my sacrifices. I understand maybe you felt claustrophobic as a fetus. But freedom rang kiddo, and this is my kingdom. When I’m telling you sharing is caring.. I’m talking about YOU needing to quit being a selfish shit. The sad thing is I am a victim. I bought a king size bed thinking Alright if there’s more room, there will be less conflict when my kid is sneaking into my bed at night. Nope. My child decided to start making snow angels in his sleep, and leave me clinging to an inch of space on the edge of the bed. What the.. and now? Now when I have my bed to myself.. you know what? I wake up and I’m still clinging to an inch of the bed, because I have been conditioned to do so by my child. Parental Abuse is real folks.

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